Cocktails for women are a subject Ms N, heroine of the “Seven Hotel Stories“, holds dear. She also has views on how to deal with men who behave badly – in cocktail bars or elsewhere.
Cocktails for women: how it happened
A couple of years ago Ms N was invited to appear in a splendid feature called “Cocktails with my Characters”. The idea was for famous literary characters to be interviewed over a cocktail. Unfortunately the interview was never published – until now.
Interviewer: Today we meet top hotelier Ms N, who has turned the tables on us by inviting us to her own hotel to talk about her adventures, and her philosophy. With her is her colleague, the narrator of the stories, Tatiana.
Ms N: Welcome to the Platinum Megastar Lounge of our hotel. Cheers!
I: And you, Tatiana. It is wonderful to meet you.
Tatiana: Please focus on Ms N. That is not her full name of course. But I do not like to spell it out, as she is a modest person who values her privacy.
Dealing with men
I: So, Ms N, you’re a passionate, strong-willed woman. Let’s talk about your unique take on dealing with troublesome men. What do you say to the allegation that men who misbehave in your hotels sometimes die, disappear or are forced to flee the country?
Ms N: Just to be clear. Neither I nor any member of my staff has ever committed a single act of violence against a hotel guest or colleague.
I: Yet it is a matter of record that after coming into contact with you, some badly-behaved male guests – and even colleagues of yours – have vanished, or suffered fatal accidents. One was eaten by crocodiles. Why do you think you have been described as “the world’s best – and deadliest” – manager of super-luxury hotels?
Ms N: Unfortunately, an accident can happen even in the best-run of hotels. But I will be taking legal action if you imply that any of the unfortunate events recorded by my colleague Tatiana in her famous hotel stories are in any way the result of deliberate actions by me or my staff. By the way, my colleague in Florida was eaten by alligators, not crocodiles. I was not even standing near him when he fell into the water. Please do not suggest that I am responsible for the action of carnivorous swamp-dwelling reptiles.
Men will be men?
I: It seems to be a pattern. Those accidents have involved a giant cake, three suitcases full of sausages, an enraged sushi chef, the Russian mafia, three metres of concrete and even a chilled bottle of Chateau d’Yquem, served with foie gras. Is there anything you’d like to add?
Ms N: No.
I: You don’t think that “men will be men”?
Ms N: No. They have a choice. So do women.
The Platinum Megastar Lounge
I: Thanks for clearing that up. Tell me about this lounge, and what we’re drinking. Do you believe there are such things as “cocktails for women?”
Ms N: I wanted to show you our ultra-exclusive Platinum Megastar Lounge. The terrace has one of the best views of the historic capital of this beautiful but not yet economically fully-developed country. We usually reserve this space for our most elite hotel guests, but I thought I’d make an exception for you, tonight.
Of course, everyone should drink what they want. But I believe that many women enjoy cocktails.
As for what we are drinking: may I invite our bartender Amanda to describe it?
Cocktails for women: The Platinum Megastar Sucker Punch
I: Amanda, these drinks look breathtaking. So do you, if I may say, in that white blouse and black suspenders. Do you match your outfits to your cocktails?
Amanda: With cocktails for women, every detail must be right. The Platinum Megastar Sucker Punch is, as you have seen, a brilliant red. So a black and white bartender’s outfit is a match. The recipe is based on a generous helping of pomegranate juice. It also contains a large portion of English gin, matched by an equal portion of the hotel’s exclusive triple-distilled horilka from Ukraine, perhaps the greatest vodka in the world, plus certain elements I cannot reveal. I top it off with a dash of Champagne and serve it in a martini glass. Do you like it?
I: It is beautiful. And delicious. And – wow! Strong.
Amanda: Plus, it is healthy. The pomegranate juice is full of vitamins.
Ms N: In fact, the more you drink, the healthier it is.
Amanda: Can I top you up?
Other cocktails for women
Interviewer: Yes please, thank you! (Pauses to drink.) Tatiana: what other cocktails for women appear in your stories?
Tatiana: Ms N usually drinks Champagne. But in story 7, “The Three Heads”, she and I enjoy a new, mind-numbingly high-alcohol cocktail created by Amanda, served in exclusive Ultra-Platinum-branded hand-blown English crystal balloon glasses and containing three different brands of gin, three of vodka, three of rum, and certain other ingredients which are a closely guarded secret. Amanda calls the cocktail “the Three Heads” on the grounds that after one drink everyone will see three heads, and after two drinks they will feel as if they themselves have three.
I: Perhaps I could have one of those next. Any others?
Tatiana: In story 12, “The Latest Thing”, Amanda creates industrial quantities of our Platinum Megastar Sucker Punch cocktail with extra pomegranate juice. People do not drink all of them. Instead, many women and one man put the Sucker Punch cocktail to an alternative, highly satisfying, use.
Cocktails for women: What to wear
I: Enough about cocktails. Let’s talk about clothes. Ms N: what are you wearing?
Ms N: Tatiana, could you do the honours? You are used to describing me in your imaginative stories.
Tatiana: Ms N is wearing her business suit, her black pearl necklace, and the heels of power with which she goes click-click-clicking across the hotel lobby to sort out the latest problem in her hotel. These clothes are signifying that Ms N is an important person. In my view she is a good example of how a woman can exercise her power without sacrificing her femininity.
Unfortunately, some men are overlooking these signals. They are programmed to think that because women are on average smaller than men, or because historically men have made most of the decisions, they do not need to pay attention to women. Mr Burke, the guest who refuses to leave the building in story 2, “The Two Rooms”, or Mr Kagit, who works in the President’s office and is the brother of the Minister of Planning in story 4, “The White Blouse”, would have done well to pay more attention to Ms N when she suggested to them that they had outstayed their welcome at the hotel.
I: Quite. And yourself?
Tatiana: I am wearing my smart receptionist’s uniform and, as always, smiling my thousand-watt smile. But if I am off duty, or have a special task to perform for Ms N, I may wear my white blouse, which performs a vital role in the Hotel Story of that name.
Cocktails for women: the third drink
Interviewer: What can you tell me that might make me stay for a second – or actually, a third – drink?
Ms N: Tatiana might, if you ask her nicely, tell you how, although slender, she built up physical strength in her childhood in her village, far from the historical capital of her beautiful country, playing buqabosh, the local game of netball, where instead of running, team members ride bareback on spirited mountain stallions, instead of a ball they use a fresh ox’s head, and instead of a net they have a burning tractor tyre at each end of the field.
If you would like to know more about how it is that Mr Burke, the rude guest in “The Two Rooms”, Francois the highly-qualified diving instructor with wandering hands in story 8, “Sausages” or Mr Buddy Knox, my arrogant rival for a top hotel job in story 5, “Gents”, are never seen again, you will have to read Tatiana’s “Hotel Stories”.
I: (Raises glass, slurring slightly): To strong women!
Ms N: To strong women. And also to strong men, who are the ones who appreciate strong women.
Author’s note
I write a new “Hotel Story” each year as a birthday gift to my partner, who is a hotel general manager. She, too, enjoys cocktails for women – and men.
