Sausages have more uses than you can imagine! An introduction to “Sausages”, short story Number 8 in the “Hotel Stories” short story series.
Sausages
Sausages is the eighth story in the Hotel Stories series, and follows on from the tales collected in my book Seven Hotel Stories.
The Ultra Platinum Paradise Beach Resort offers fabulous facilities. The exclusive Black Hole Coral Reef Dive Adventure. The Blue Planet Fish Restaurant. The Metaphysical Balance Repair Clinic and Spa.
So why is the Ultra Platinum losing money? Why is no-one drinking the famous Megastar all-day cocktails at the Beachfront Ultra Platinum Club? And why does Ms N think that massive supplies of sausages may solve the resort’s problems?
“In every challenge there is an opportunity”
Ms N, the world’s most brilliant, unpredictable and occasionally homicidal hotel manager, has come to solve some problems. Her beautiful but naive ally Tatiana has accompanied her.
Ms N believes that “in every challenge, there is an opportunity”. But how will she tackle the hotel’s problems by calling in seven beautiful Ukrainian young Ukrainian women, who bring with them five large suitcases of traditional country sausages?
As always, Ms N has a plan. Whoever is causing trouble at the resort had better watch out. That includes Mr Murr the Chief Customs Officer; Francois, the diving instructor with wandering hands; and Runaway Beatmaster Bob, the Rastafarian DJ at the Blazing Scorpion Night Club.
I hope you enjoy this excerpt from Sausages.
Sausages (excerpt)
The first thing I see when the glass doors slide open in the arrivals hall is two tall, slender young women walking arm in arm. Each of them is pulling a suitcase on wheels so huge I am reminded of the Soviet era apartment blocks that crowd the suburbs of the historic capital of my beautiful but not yet fully developed country, far away to the north.
The two women stride forward confidently and look so happy to be here that I almost want to cry, because the world needs confident, happy women.
In fact, they look almost as if they own the place, which I suppose in a way they will do when they arrive at our all-inclusive Ultra Platinum Paradise Beach Resort with its new healthy living programme and spiritual balance recovery plan.
The young women have characterful faces. Both wear summer dresses that show off their beauty and make them look like one million dollars, even though they have just stepped off a four-hour charter flight direct from Kyiv.
These girls will be popular at our hotel.
Is it possible that all the women we have come to collect at the airport will be as beautiful as these two?
Ms N will be delighted.
The Prince will be more than delighted.
I step forward, displaying my famous thousand-watt smile. If am honest, it is easier to display this smile when I am meeting two beautiful, happy, confident Ukrainian women than it is when I am performing my usual job as a receptionist. Behind the reception desk, I sometimes struggle to display a smile of one hundred or even five watts, to greet yet another businessman who thinks every receptionist will find him the most handsome, all-round fabulous man she has ever seen and will probably want to have sex with him at the first opportunity.
‘Hello,’ I say.
‘Are you Ms N?’ The first girl has blonde hair down to her shoulders and the kind of huge dark eyes some men say they long to dive into, although I personally cannot see how this would not be painful for everyone involved. She speaks English with an English accent and of course she says Ms N’s full name, which I have omitted here, as Ms N is a modest person who values her privacy. ‘My name is Lena. I am so pleased to meet you.’ She seizes my hand with a firm, confident grip.
‘Ms N will be here at any moment,’ I say. ‘Where are your friends?’
‘They are coming.’ The second young woman has chestnut hair and a voice like honey. A fine chain around her neck carries a charm spelling out her name, which is Olga. ‘The customs dogs went a little bit crazy when they examined the bags of the other girls.’ She giggles, covering her mouth in a way even I find cute and which I think will make the Prince need to take a cold shower. ‘I think these dogs need to be re-trained or maybe retired after sniffing around the seven of us.’
I peer at Olga. Like her friend, she seems to have impeccable grooming standards. All I can smell is her Thierry Mugler perfume, so I am puzzled by what she says about the dogs.
Enormous suitcases on wheels
While this is happening, three more young women come through the sliding glass doors. They, too, have enormous suitcases on wheels. They greet Olga and Lena in Ukrainian, which sounds a bit like Russian but with different words and different pronunciation and all-round different meanings.
‘Ms N, hello,’ one of the new women says. ‘Thank you for inviting us to your resort hotel.’ She reaches out to shake my hand and bobs her head as if perhaps I am an important hotel general manager.
Actually, I do not like it too much that these women think I might be Ms N, as she is several years older than me and also one of the greatest hotel managers in the world, whereas I am a simple receptionist from a small village far from the historic capital of our beautiful country who is helping Ms N on her trouble-shooting assignment to the Ultra Platinum Paradise Beach Resort.
‘No,’ I say. ‘My name is Tatiana. Ms N will come soon.’
As I say this, the glass doors slide open and two more women appear, bringing the number of new arrivals to the seven I am expecting. They, too, have giant suitcases. Through the open glass doors behind them I see what must surely be the entire customs service of the not very large provincial airport that services our resort, that is to say about twelve men in customs uniform plus ten or twelve other men who are perhaps friends or cousins or acquaintances of the customs officers. All these men are gazing longingly at the seven Ukrainian women.
Several men have what must be the customs sniffer dogs the girls mentioned. They, too, seem to be staring, with their tongues hanging out and panting and wagging their tails, as if the dogs also admire the seven Ukrainian girls, although I know this cannot be the case.
In fact, when I see these dogs I think that the men they are with would also wag their tails, and pant, and have their tongues hanging out, if they could.
The sliding doors close and the men, and dogs, disappear.
At the same moment a shabby wooden door opens nearby and Ms N appears. She is accompanied by a man who might benefit from the healthy living programme at the Ultra Platinum Paradise Beach Resort, or else our spiritual balance recovery plan, or some grooming tips from the Ukrainian women, or perhaps all of these things. The man is so big from side to side that he looks wider than he is tall. His gigantic dimensions make Ms N seem more petite than she is, even in the power heels she wears every day at the Resort.
As Ms N and the man approach us, I see he is smiling as if he has received some news confirming that he is, perhaps, the wisest and also the best-looking man on earth, although I am guessing with a high degree of confidence that he is neither of these things. Ms N is smiling her inquisitive smile, with a hint of mischief, which makes me think she is working to solve a problem.
The Chief Customs Officer
‘Tatiana, how are you?’ Ms N says. ‘Thank you for welcoming our guests. May I introduce the Chief Customs Officer, Mr Murr? He is an important man who has been helpful today in helping us import the special supplies we ordered from Kyiv. He saw our guests in the customs hall and was keen to be introduced.’
When Ms N say the words important man and helpful today and keen to be introduced she looks from one Ukrainian woman to another as if she is mentioning something to which she wishes them to pay special attention.
I see the Ukrainian girls are paying close attention to Ms N, who they have immediately recognised as a person of authority.
I am pleased to see this because, first, they are correct; and, second, the fact they recognise the importance of Ms N and her message shows that they are not only beautiful but also quick-witted and alert. I think we are going to have fun working with them.
What happens next confirms this.
In a moment the seven huge suitcases are left standing in a circle as the Ukrainian women surround Mr Murr and shake his hand and kiss him on each cheek and smile at him as though he is indeed the wisest and most handsome man on earth as well as the most charming.
None of this is true. The Chief Customs Officer is, if I am honest, not what you would call a dreamboat. Far from making original or charming remarks, he stands with his mouth open as if he would like to stick his tongue out and pant and if he had a big bushy tail he would be wagging it like crazy.
A complimentary dive adventure
‘I thought that Mr Murr might like to come and try out a complimentary two-hour Black Hole Coral Reef Dive Adventure with Francois, our highly qualified diving instructor,’ Ms N says. ‘Maybe some of our Ukrainian guests would like to come on the trip too, if they have their bikinis with them.’ She turns to the Chief Customs Officer. ‘Would you have time to go diving with us?’
The Chief Customs Officer makes a kind of uh sound as if something wonderful is happening to him that he does not want to stop. To say he looks happy at the idea of going diving with our Ukrainian guests is like saying a starving man will be pleased if he can help himself to an all-you-can-eat buffet at our Japanese Zen Garden Oasis restaurant with yin/yang spiritual balance menu. Of course the Jay-Z-GO, as we call it, is a la carte only and our Japanese chef Kyoko would rather cut out her own liver with one of her ultra-sharp Chroma knives than serve an all-you-can-eat buffet.
In fact, Mr Murr looks so happy that I worry that he may have a heart attack. So I suggest to Ms N that it is time for us to go.
Ms N turns to Mr Murr. ‘We look forward to welcoming you to the resort. I hope we can help you with some healthy living and spiritual balance recovery.’
I am not sure Mr Murr is thinking about his spiritual balance, but he smiles and makes the uh sound again and I think he is looking forward to his visit.
Ms N leads the way to the hotel minibus and I am surprised to hear her ask the driver to turn the air conditioning up to maximum because usually Ms N is a roll-down-the-window-and-let-the-breeze-blow-back-your-hair kind of woman, even when the sun is so hot that the local desert snakes are taking shelter under rocks and there is no breeze to speak of.
I am even more surprised when we reach the hotel. Ms N sends the Ukrainian women to check in, and they take with them only the luggage of the first two who arrived, leaving Ms N and me with five giant suitcases.
“Quickly, we must take these to the kitchen.”
‘Quickly,’ Ms N says. ‘We must take these to the kitchen.’
I help Ms N roll the five suitcases as far as the kitchen, where Kyoko is preparing her famous Beachfront Ultra-Platinum Club Sundowner Extravaganza.
It is good the cases are on wheels, because they are impossibly heavy.
Kyoko is not pleased to see us. She stands in the kitchen with an ultra-sharp Chroma knife in each hand and stares at the suitcases suspiciously.
‘What is in cases?’ Kyoko looks at Ms N. ‘If it is haggis, I refuse to cook.’
‘This is not haggis,’ Ms N says. ‘It is a culinary product of the highest quality that I am hoping will help solve some big problems at this hotel.’
When Ms N says big problems at this hotel I listen carefully because I have seen her solve many problems. I wonder now what the problems are and how what is in the suitcases will help us to solve them.
Two of the kitchen staff pick up a suitcase and lift it onto the worktop.
We gather round.
Ms N throws the suitcase open.
For a moment, no-one says anything.
‘Sausages?’ Kyoko takes a step back and her nose wrinkles, as if what she is seeing is more disgusting than she could have imagined. ‘How will this help hotel? And what in name of hell is in other suitcases?’
[Excerpt ends]
Sausages: What to do next
I hope you have enjoyed this excerpt from Sausages. Sausages is the eighth story in the Hotel Stories series, and follows on from my book Seven Hotel Stories (see below). It is so far only available as an e-book. Seven Hotel Stories is available as a paperback or an e-book: click on the link to see more.
You can read about all of my books here.
